THE STORM WITHIN…

I am ANGRY, there I said it!

When you look at me you would never know that beneath my smile there is a slow rage that is about to boil over. I am angry for several reasons. I know it is easy to put the blame on someone else, but honestly I am most angry with myself!  I am angry that I even got into this total fuck shit of a situation in the first place. Hindsight is always 20/20 and I wear glasses, so there. Seriously, looking back over the long courtship I had with the x-hole, there were red flags and warning signs- I just chose to ignore them. I CHOSE TO IGNORE THEM! And in doing so, I landed myself smack dab in the middle of divorce hell.

I am not a stranger to divorce, my parents got divorced when I went to college. Although their marriage was tumultuous at times, they ended their marriage amicably and each went on their merry way.  This is not my parent’s divorce. And it does not help matters that I am in a foreign country with a completely different set of rules- and they are in French! 

I am angry that even though I asked for a divorce in October 2015, as I write this I am still married, and still living with the person that I am so desperately trying to get away from. How is that even possible? If I had one franc for every time someone told me that, the Swiss legal system protects women, maybe I would be able to pay my lawyer. Unfortunately, that is exact opposite of what I have found to be true in my encounters with the system here. Not to surprising given the fact that women were not even allowed to vote until 1971!!!

I am angry that alternate facts are winning and the truth is constantly being brushed aside, punished if you will.  I know that the truth will eventually come to light and I must be patient and all of that but, patience is not one of my virtues. I am literally at the mercy of the person who I used to love and thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

I am angry because I am trapped, like a bird in a cage. Sadly, that is how I felt my entire marriage. The cage might have been gold, but it was a cage none-the- less. And we all know: all that glitters isn’t gold. Hard to admit, but admitting that something is wrong is the first step in correcting the problem.

Lastly, I am angry that my kids have to go through this! They are young enough that hopefully they do not understand all the bullshit that is going on. But they know something and that is more than enough. I hate that they see me this way. I hate that they are getting a horrible example of what love and marriage look like. There have been countless times when I wanted to through my hands up, pack a back and leave and never look back. It’s tempting but I could never leave my children. So, I put on my game face and I fight another day and I will fight for as many days as it takes.  I am work in progress and I know that my anger will not disappear overnight. However, it is no longer fuelling me. I am allowing myself to release it because it will not take me where I need to go.

“You will not be punished for your anger; you will be punished by your anger.” – Buddha

 

 

7 thoughts on “THE STORM WITHIN…

  1. My friend, forgive yourself, pat yourself on the back for being brace and trying to get back to happiness. It’s a hard road (I know!). But once this storm passes, and it will, you will emerge even stronger than you know you are today!
    I wish I could do more to help you, but sometimes just knowing there are other women fighting for happiness too, helps a little…
    You’re never truly alone

    Like

  2. Be gentle with yourself. We all make decisions that seem like a reasonable tradeoff of bad for the good. Sometimes (most times) we cannot predict the storms those tradeoffs will bring. The good news is that all storms are temporary! This one too shall pass. ~xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Yes the first steps in any recovery is to except responsibility for your role in the current storm.
    That said you now must give yourself permission to forgive yourself, the other party so you can move on to make the best life for you and your kids. Stay strong and brave, no storm lasts for forever.

    Liked by 1 person

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